All problems become smaller if you don't dodge them but confront them. ~William F. HalseyThe school librarian has been stalking me. In a good way. Several months ago she mentioned that our children have confided in her about their fears of their father leaving again. She used to be married to a military man and her compassionate heart and wonderful listening has been a true blessing to my kids. I thanked her for her friendship to the children and reaffirmed the hardships that they have experienced at such a young age. Then I kept walking. I really try not to have time for her because I don't like crying in public, plus it doesn't fit into my schedule to deal with the deployments that are so very two years ago. She is wise though, as all librarians are, and persistent and she kept stalking me.
The next encounter she asked for forgiveness as she contacted the base for insight from their librarian and had requested materials for the kids so they would be supported through their fears. She said something about how the military families at our school would benefit greatly from this support, which translated into us because we are the only military family with younger children. I thanked her for the hard work and continual consideration and then rushed off again. To cry in my car on the drive home. Because I don't want anyone to see how frustrated I am that these damned deployments still affect our family.
It wasn't until two weeks ago that I realized I have a long way to go. It was lunch time, and I had come to eat with the kids. She was there reading to the students and she nonchalantly told me that the packets from the base were upstairs, along with some books we could check out. She'd put them on the table for me. I didn't have to go look if I didn't want to. And then she said what I really needed to hear. "Military kids are special, and they need to know it." Reluctantly and alone I walked to the library. There on the table were Military Kids packets with books and a beanie baby and a video inside as well as some books to check out. "H is for Honor" and "My Daddy is a Hero" and "I'm a Hero Too". And that is when I promptly lost it. Sobbed like a baby.
The truth is, I've been running from being a military wife with my children in my proverbial arms and my family on the line, I've been running. I don't go on post because I can't stand the sight of it. I don't shop the PX or the Commissary because the lines and the queuing and the structure of it brings back some really tough memories. I don't want to see a mother and children wearily shopping and to wonder if they are in the middle of their year plus time without their loved one. I don't want to know the faces of the people who are suffering through those days. In my minds eye I carry the faces of the families that I persevered with, the families that I comforted and comforted me. The friends,moms and children who piled into my house on Thanksgiving and Christmas Days to try to make the most of the hardest times.
There are phases of grief that family members go through during deployment. Each phase is unique and each is necessary, even if you don't spend a lot of time in one phase. Somewhere between denial and acceptance I skipped through the anger phase. I know why, I didn't have the luxury of pounding my fists on anyone and I felt that too many people were watching me to see how to survive their deployment, so anger wasn't an option.
Unfortunately, and fortunately, it is time to face the music. Emotions run deep when it comes to the journey we have been on and only choosing the happy thoughts has led to a lot of pent up anger. Anger that has cut the children off from experiencing the great side of being a military family. I've got a long way to go, but I'm taking strides to get there.
The Military Kid packets had some workbooks in there that our children really have enjoyed going through. They can write their feelings and talk about their pride and frustration and they can move on with the years that are ahead. Thanks to our librarian I'm doing the same thing. Not a moment too soon.