Worth Fighting For
"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without. " ~James C. Dobson
Marriage is a funny proposition. There are days or weeks when it is give and take. There are days and weeks and sometimes years when it is give only and hardly any take. Military marriages are even more peculiar. In the show, Army Wives, one of the wives sums it up in a funny way; "Being an Army wife is like having your husband in an affair, and that (insert explitive here) gets all of the attention."
Early on in our dating , Vic gave me an A pin. This is a West Point tradition involving a pin that has a large A with gems in it with a smaller dangle of the Army seal. The sentiment is that the pin is worn higher than the Army seal, signifying that the bearer of the gift is putting their love for you higher than their commitment to the Army. That is what he told me when he gave me this gift anyway. I know Vic truly meant to honor this profession of love, much like the one he made when our vows (forsaking all others) were said 16 years ago. But Life happens.
When the events of September 11th happened I knew that those promises would have to be put to the test. In the last five years the needs of the Army and world situations have dictated alot more of the tempo in our house than the needs of our marriage. I'm incredibly thankful that this season of our life came after 11 years of marriage. Vic and I had that time to forge our relationship with the things that continue to make it successful today. Trust, love, compassion, Forgiveness (capitalized on purpose) and humor.
In the beginning years, we fought about everything. Who did the dishes, when dinner should be served, where laundry should go, seperation of chores, finances and so on. I was frustrated by everything Vic did and I nagged him to death. I believe the only reason he stuck it out with me in those first years is because I looked good. As the years passed by, our arguments became fewer and farther between. We would discuss things and get to resolution without big heated debates. I chalk this up to the kids being around and us needing to get things accomplished with as little conflict as possible. Since the deployments, we hardly argue at all. This isn't because everything is perfect, it is because a year apart causes your focus to be on the more important than the little nitpicky things.
After the first deployment, Vic and I took a Mediterranean cruise to reconnect with eachother. One night of the cruise they had the newlywed game and Vic and I were chosen to be the middle couple, the not newlyweds and the not married forever couple. As these games go, the questions were such that someone was going to get into trouble. I don't remember the questions, but I do remember the audience reaction to some of Vic's answers as well as my own. It was as if the audience was anticipating the fighting that would result from some of the answers. We didn't win, the older couple was by far more in tune with eachother, getting almost every question right. Vic and I were the couple that caused the most laughs, for our answers and our responses. This Newlywed game played on the ships television for the days to come, giving us instant stardom. Everywhere we went, couples would pat us on the backs and buy us drinks, recounting our questions and answers. The day after the game, a beautiful young couple came up to us on the ship and greeted us as if we were old friends. (some of the questions were so intrusive, they probably felt like they knew us that well) As Vic and the husband began to talk about other things, the wife took me aside with a pained look on her face. She confessed that, had her and her husband been on the game, she would have been furious with him at some of Vic's answers. She wanted to know why Vic and I weren't angry with eachother over the direction of the game. I explained to her that we were a military couple and that Vic had just recently returned from a year away. That time apart had made clear to us both the things that make our marriage so fantastic. The little things, the things that cause most fights, they had become miniscule in our marriage because of the deployment. She listened as tears ran down her cheeks. We talked for quite awhile about the important things in marriage and I found out that their recent addition of a new child had caused some very real tensions. They were on the cruise ,as well, to reconnect and our public appearance on the game show had given them reason to talk through some issues. They both thanked us for our time and went off hand in hand.
What was true then holds true now. There is seldom a reason for argument in our house. This doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that our give and take has become a balanced sort of dance. It is over a year after the last deployment ended and I'm still thankful everytime Vic's alarm goes off early in the morning. Waking up so early isn't torture for me, it is a pleasant reminder that he is safe beside me. I learned really early that these days together are precious, and every chance we have we need to focus on what brought us together from the very beginning, a love worth fighting for.
Marriage is a funny proposition. There are days or weeks when it is give and take. There are days and weeks and sometimes years when it is give only and hardly any take. Military marriages are even more peculiar. In the show, Army Wives, one of the wives sums it up in a funny way; "Being an Army wife is like having your husband in an affair, and that (insert explitive here) gets all of the attention."
Early on in our dating , Vic gave me an A pin. This is a West Point tradition involving a pin that has a large A with gems in it with a smaller dangle of the Army seal. The sentiment is that the pin is worn higher than the Army seal, signifying that the bearer of the gift is putting their love for you higher than their commitment to the Army. That is what he told me when he gave me this gift anyway. I know Vic truly meant to honor this profession of love, much like the one he made when our vows (forsaking all others) were said 16 years ago. But Life happens.
When the events of September 11th happened I knew that those promises would have to be put to the test. In the last five years the needs of the Army and world situations have dictated alot more of the tempo in our house than the needs of our marriage. I'm incredibly thankful that this season of our life came after 11 years of marriage. Vic and I had that time to forge our relationship with the things that continue to make it successful today. Trust, love, compassion, Forgiveness (capitalized on purpose) and humor.
In the beginning years, we fought about everything. Who did the dishes, when dinner should be served, where laundry should go, seperation of chores, finances and so on. I was frustrated by everything Vic did and I nagged him to death. I believe the only reason he stuck it out with me in those first years is because I looked good. As the years passed by, our arguments became fewer and farther between. We would discuss things and get to resolution without big heated debates. I chalk this up to the kids being around and us needing to get things accomplished with as little conflict as possible. Since the deployments, we hardly argue at all. This isn't because everything is perfect, it is because a year apart causes your focus to be on the more important than the little nitpicky things.
After the first deployment, Vic and I took a Mediterranean cruise to reconnect with eachother. One night of the cruise they had the newlywed game and Vic and I were chosen to be the middle couple, the not newlyweds and the not married forever couple. As these games go, the questions were such that someone was going to get into trouble. I don't remember the questions, but I do remember the audience reaction to some of Vic's answers as well as my own. It was as if the audience was anticipating the fighting that would result from some of the answers. We didn't win, the older couple was by far more in tune with eachother, getting almost every question right. Vic and I were the couple that caused the most laughs, for our answers and our responses. This Newlywed game played on the ships television for the days to come, giving us instant stardom. Everywhere we went, couples would pat us on the backs and buy us drinks, recounting our questions and answers. The day after the game, a beautiful young couple came up to us on the ship and greeted us as if we were old friends. (some of the questions were so intrusive, they probably felt like they knew us that well) As Vic and the husband began to talk about other things, the wife took me aside with a pained look on her face. She confessed that, had her and her husband been on the game, she would have been furious with him at some of Vic's answers. She wanted to know why Vic and I weren't angry with eachother over the direction of the game. I explained to her that we were a military couple and that Vic had just recently returned from a year away. That time apart had made clear to us both the things that make our marriage so fantastic. The little things, the things that cause most fights, they had become miniscule in our marriage because of the deployment. She listened as tears ran down her cheeks. We talked for quite awhile about the important things in marriage and I found out that their recent addition of a new child had caused some very real tensions. They were on the cruise ,as well, to reconnect and our public appearance on the game show had given them reason to talk through some issues. They both thanked us for our time and went off hand in hand.
What was true then holds true now. There is seldom a reason for argument in our house. This doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that our give and take has become a balanced sort of dance. It is over a year after the last deployment ended and I'm still thankful everytime Vic's alarm goes off early in the morning. Waking up so early isn't torture for me, it is a pleasant reminder that he is safe beside me. I learned really early that these days together are precious, and every chance we have we need to focus on what brought us together from the very beginning, a love worth fighting for.
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