It's Okay to Cry
"Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away. Just let it out, my friend." ~Adabella Radici
My daughter says that she has never seen me cry. I'm not too sure that is a good thing. I know I have at least cried tears of happiness in front of her, and I'm almost sure that I've cried tears of frustration or sadness, but the fact that in her 8 years of life she doesn't ever remember seeing me cry is probably not healthy.
I don't like to cry in public. During both deployments I would wait until I was in the car and then I'd cry. In retrospect I don't know how safe that was. I'd wait until the children were asleep and I could turn the news on to see the updates of what was happening in Iraq and then I would let it all out. I held a lot of tears in because I didn't want to make anyone sad.
This plan backfired on me because those emotions I kept inside all came out in a very public place. At one conference I attended shortly after Vic's first return from deployment, I went to a class about the effects of deployments on children. I wanted to learn as much as I could to not only help my family but to be a resource for others. We were in this class about five minutes when the gravity of the discussion hit me. The tears started to flow, the emotions were intense. I tried to not sob so uncontrollably that people would notice me even more. The only consolation was that everyone around me was crying too. I was caught off guard by my own emotions.
What I have learned about tears is that you either let them come when you feel them or they will chose a time when you least expect it and make their appearance. Pushing off tears that need to flow means that they will flow harder later. I have to figure out a balance between trying to be strong for my children and also letting them know that tears are okay. It's time to do a little soul searching.....
My daughter says that she has never seen me cry. I'm not too sure that is a good thing. I know I have at least cried tears of happiness in front of her, and I'm almost sure that I've cried tears of frustration or sadness, but the fact that in her 8 years of life she doesn't ever remember seeing me cry is probably not healthy.
I don't like to cry in public. During both deployments I would wait until I was in the car and then I'd cry. In retrospect I don't know how safe that was. I'd wait until the children were asleep and I could turn the news on to see the updates of what was happening in Iraq and then I would let it all out. I held a lot of tears in because I didn't want to make anyone sad.
This plan backfired on me because those emotions I kept inside all came out in a very public place. At one conference I attended shortly after Vic's first return from deployment, I went to a class about the effects of deployments on children. I wanted to learn as much as I could to not only help my family but to be a resource for others. We were in this class about five minutes when the gravity of the discussion hit me. The tears started to flow, the emotions were intense. I tried to not sob so uncontrollably that people would notice me even more. The only consolation was that everyone around me was crying too. I was caught off guard by my own emotions.
What I have learned about tears is that you either let them come when you feel them or they will chose a time when you least expect it and make their appearance. Pushing off tears that need to flow means that they will flow harder later. I have to figure out a balance between trying to be strong for my children and also letting them know that tears are okay. It's time to do a little soul searching.....
catching up on your blogs! I REALLY resonated with this one. Long story short--I've learned that the last roll call at a funeral is the one time I lose it completely. Uncontrolled grief is the healthiest of all.
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Cynthia,
The final roll call has always made me cry. I've heard way too many of them, as I am sure you have. We have to grieve, and it is okay to cry.
Always ~ Pam
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